Following is the beginning of my new book, published by Booktrope in Seattle.
In coming weeks I’ll publish excerpts and I welcome your comments.

BE STRONG, BE SMART

A father talks to his daughter about sex

PREFACE

I am the father of three children and, for reasons I cannot explain, have not talked to any of them about sex. I wish I had of walked bravely into those kinds of conversations and might of, if they’d asked for them. I had a good open relationship with all three of them and can’t think of a concrete, specific reason why I did not share more. No excuses, but maybe regrets.
It’s something that is missing in our culture: a broad and loving dialogue about sex between children and their parents, but I can’t assign blame to our society. The responsibility lies at my feet. While we have had great talks about a lot of other things, the deeper conversation about sexual behavior has gone wanting, a product of my embarrassment, I guess, and that of my kids too.
What is the root of that embarrassment? I asked myself that more deeply as I began this “assignment” I’ve given myself. I suppose it’s shame, some kind of leftover Victorian shame about the body and it’s natural functions and the various acts of sex that most people still think are very private. Even after the so-called sexual revolution and the explosion of information and images available to young people, a meaningful dialogue between parent and child is still lacking in most households.
And so, here is this minor effort at correcting that in my family. This, I hope, will begin a dialogue, although, at this writing, I really don’t know if anyone of my kids will carry on the conversation with me. I may be suspect as a source or it may be, in the end, just too embarrassing to talk with their dad about such matters.
This is not so much an attempt at sex education as it is a statement about how I would like to see my daughter, in particular, treat herself and the men in her life and how she will get what she wants. If I have any wisdom at all, I’m going to try to stumble through the awkward moments and pass it along. The remainder of this is addressed to her, with love.
Maybe you could call this the conversation I wish I’d had.

A Beginning

Here is what I’ve been waiting to tell you about your relationship with the man in your life. This is centered on sex, but not exclusively, as you will see. Even though I’ve really wanted to talk with you about this, I have not found the courage to be as open and explicit as I will be now.
I have a belief, something I learned from a love of mine a long time ago, that my sexual life is a microcosm of the whole of the relationship with my beloved. How we are in our sexual behaviors and attitudes is a direct and accurate reflection of the power, love, fear and communication in our ongoing, everyday relationship. You will see this belief reflected in what I will share with you in this volume.
At the risk of embarrassing you, some of what I write here will be about my personal experience. And some will be lessons I have learned, from a variety of sources, that have rung true to me but I have not necessarily experienced first hand. The difference between what I’ve experienced and what I’ve learned from other sources is not really important, because anyone other than you will take what they will from the words alone. I just hope it rings true for you.
You didn’t ask for this to be written, but, as I am nearing the middle of my life, a certain feeling of responsibility and duty rose in my chest. I am sure this is not only about you, my daughter, but is also directed to the men who will meet and bond with you and eventually be the father of your children. So this is for you and for them and perhaps for young men and women everywhere who are at, or near, the starting point of their sexual lives.
So let’s begin.